Siggghhhhh....!!!

I have discovered the most accurate description to my life right now...
Its a 'deep sigh' life...
How is life? How is work? So what else is up? Love life?..
thats "Siggghhhhhh..!!" "Siggghhhhhh..!!" "Siggghhhhhh..!!" and "Siggghhhhhh..!!" ..
respectively.

Myself..

I was just telling myself the other day that what i really miss is having people around.. lots of them.
I used to have that.
Incidently "myself" and I talk a lot nowadays and myself has begun answering most questions i ask (this didn't happened that much before). Myself is also bit smug i feel. It is winning many arguments. I don't like to lose to anybody much less myself - if i lose even to myself, where does that leave me, right? (me=I)
I am quite tired of myself.

Haven;'t written anything for the longest time and yet i have NOTHING to write.

Have been feeling fairly stupid lately - almost like i was getting stupider each day... Haven't actively read in a long time and don't seem to retain much of what i do read.
Recently, saw some 2nd hand Class V - Class VII science and geogrpahy books. So i bought them.
Feeling much much better since i read "Ducks have webbed feeet" because THAT at least i knew..
I realise thats pathetic, but well life has been fairly pathetic lately!!
Actually thats not true..life is pretty good.. i can't seem to lose the restless/what is all this nonsense feeling though.
Must get over it!!

i want to be..

Also now i have to answer profound questions people insist on asking me like, "What do you really want to do?" (please refer to previous blog for details).. And all i can think is "Does it look like i know, dude? and would i be here if i knew?"
What are the chances that as a kid i said.. "i really want to do back-end marketing analytics for an offshore insurance business, appa".. Come on.. think a little, people!

I have decided that what i really want is to have a job which has a one-word job description (or at the very max two words).. like doctor, businesslady, army officer, adventure sportsperson, photographer, musician, artist..
and since i don't have the skill / talent / educational qualifications for any of these..it does look like i will be settling for a twenty-four word description type job.. and it also looks like it will not excite me THAT much!

i win

Don't have a job.. yet again.. well not exactly - but close enough..
"client team downsized, budget dropped.. so hmm lets look for a bigger role for you anna.. by July.. "

Been here before .. twice.. (thats also as many times as i have actually held a job by the by)
1st and 2nd job - we lost our biggest accounts..our bread and butter client.. though it never really felt like bread / butter was going to be a problem yet - wanted to actually do some work etc etc.. so left..

ayway, so i told friends about situation at work - and they said "anna strikes again!"..
can see where they are coming from.. must look like i am making a living out of this..
if i am making a living out of this though - let the record show - am a bloody good performer!!
3 jobs - 3 times "disguised unemployed"
Yaay! I think i win!

What to do?

Bush is definitely among the top 5 in my "least credibile person" list. He can say what he wants, straight face et al but i just cannot bring myself to believe a word.
Something on the news about how the Americans diffused an Al-Quaeda attempt to blow up the tallest building on the W. coast. Actually a perfectly believable claim - but because Bush said it i cannot believe it.
Either i am biased or i can see what the Americans can't - the emperor has no clothes!

going back to favourite phrase of 2006 - "hmmm...anyway.."
am back to restless phase and feeling like i should be doing bigger things.. inspirational things.. even if one person's life (this life cannot obviously be that of family / friends / any person who has stake in my life) is better because of me - my life might be worth it... otherwise i am beginning to think it really isn't!
WHAT TO DO?

The age of the Loser...

Of all the movies i can remember from before (Not sure what exact time period "before" is - but what i mean is until very recently for as long back as i can remember) the more popular movies / heroes were always the macho ones - where the hero beats the villain up. The Amol Palekar movie where the man could not get himself to talk to the girl was always the sidey movie - funny and all that, but still sidey.

I just realised that this has changed and changed pretty recently..
Exhibit A - Saif Khan - Screw-up type, not so macho person
Exhibit B - Bridget Jones Diary - Major loser but every girl i know really connected - Big Success
Exhibit C - Hugh Grant - Typical English loser type - Big Star
Exhibit D - American Pie (Did so well - they went and made a Part 2)
And so many more..

Its almost like an identity shift from "I don't want to be who i am - so show me a far-removed hero person i would like to be" to "I am okay with who I am. Its entertaining enough".
Here i am obviously stating my personal preferences and my concept of myself.
But that apart - you have to agree the market value of a "Loser" movie has certainly risen from before to now.

I find that interesting! I guess if i had the patience to research and a flair for writing - this would be a big cultural study finding!
Since i have neither i will end by saying - for the first time "I belong" - I am in fact in the Right Age!

Rang de Basanti (don't read it if you haven't watched it)

This i had to write before it left me...Watched Rang de Baasanti last night.. thats again by the way - twice in a 3 day span.. Lllloossser ..Anyhow..
I don't expect that much out of a movie nowadays - if it can make me laugh OR cry OR move me in some way - it has outdone itself. This one does all of this and in spades!
I was discussing this with friends last night- I know the message is about "not being complacent and doing something to improve the system" but what it really ends up saying is "do anything" and that i object to.
When you address a population as large and emotional as ours - you need to be careful what you say. Its fantastic that there is a message in the movie that is screaaamiing to be heard without any mask of "feel-good"/ subtlety to it but i think it is very extreme. I think that while a very smooth CYA has been executed by giving it the "appropriate" ending - it still nevertheless shows 5 young kids doing exactly what they felt like without remorse and we have made martyrs out of them and that i believe is wrong.
Has it been done before? Sure. Does that make this right? I don't think so.
It would be really really unfortunate if someone decided to take a gun and kill a few people they decided had wronged them because that would discourage film makers from making something so blatant & loud & 'out there'. It would be just as unfortunate if NOBODY did ANYTHING after they watched this movie and all the impact just died after a night of intense discussion.
But just to clarify, there is no debate in my mind about the quality of the movie.. I love how the movie is such an emotional roller-coaster and how it is not just about 1 hero, I love the dialogues (and i think that "ek pair ateeth main aur ek pair kal mein, tabhi to hum apni aaj pe mooth rahe hain" is just the most brilliant line), I love the songs (a r rehman is pure genius) and the poetry, i love how everybody has such a strong opinion about it and more than anything i love that i got goose-bumps watching it. That certainly has not happened in a while.
By the way, i now have a hello-tune from the movie for the first time - "roobaroo - roshni", call me and you can listen to it for as long as you want.. i promise not to take your call!

Last year.. and some from before ..

A time it was and what a time it was. It was.
A time of innocence, a time of confidences..
Long ago, it must be.. I have a photograph
Preserve your memories.. They're all that's left of you..

---- Simon & Garfunkel

Didn't have a picture of Deepu on my computer..
Hmm.. Anyway..

Much love,
me

Happy New Year!!

T'is the 2nd of Jan, 2006!! Happy New Year!!

I had decided yesterday that because i was indulging in NO physical activity whatsoever, i should go for a run every morning. I even went for a longish walk yesterday with the cousin. Then this morning, i didn't. So i guess. that one is broken already!
But the day isn't over.. so there is time yet for me to break my promises. We'll see!!

So what's New on this New morning of the New year...
My discman is back (wasn't listening to music at work for a while - because i thought unhappy glances).. but i have decided - the discman stays!
Took the stairs this morning (that is another one, we'll have to watch out for)
Annddddd.. that's it!!
Hmmm.. i guess if i do 2 good things every year.. In another 50 years, i will actually be the person i want to be. I may be dead - but so what!

Also i have decided that my most used comments for this year will be "ANYWAYYY" &
"Hmmmm". So we are trying to move on from "Kayyy" of 2005.

ANYWAYY, Happy New Year!