"If this is uncomfortable, we don't have to.."
"Yes, i understand... And i love you."
"i don't mean to upset you - are you okay?"
i do mean all these things i say.

but the language - this i learnt from you.
This is not the grammar i knew.
I vaguely remember another me,
She spoke a little differently.

A lot more "WHAT IF", "NOT" and "NO",
"Uncomfortable, My big fat shiny toe!"
"That discussion is still on the table",
"Disagreeing is not rude. That is a lazy label."

You did not like her, she could tell,
You didn not have to scream or yell.
You just ignored her till she began to fade
Why accept or reject what you can evade.

She went away...but because she was SHE,
She looked one final time at me,
I was learning the new language when she said,
"Doll, don't forget i am not dead.
 When you are done with 'nice' and you want more,
Just raise your voice, and i will come through that door"

I haven't called her in. Not yet.
She may disrupt what it took me ten years to set.
I miss her, i wish she would visit me
And we could both remember what i used to be.

September 4th 2017 - i resigned from my job at Philips. It was long long (and i cannot say this enough) long overdue. This is the first time i have quit without a job in hand.I don't think that is a bad thing at all. I want this break .
The bad thing is and will be if i don't remember why i left. I left because "i want to leave myself open to new things that come my way. I left because i believe if i didn't offer myself to the Universe, the universe would not offer opportunities to me."
And yet 2 weeks after resigning (not even out of a job yet - still serving my notice period), i find myself getting heavily involved in a would-be future job. And i have to ask myself - is this the opportunity the Universe is offering me OR did i not give her a chance to offer me anything, because i just bloody jumped in to the next bus. Which one is it?
God/Universe, please help me do the right thing here. Well, not the right thing - because there is no wrong thing. Just help me pick the thing that would give me the most joy. Could you maybe force my hand on this one please?

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,

Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

- William Ernest Henley

Emotional Baggage
- Anesidora

It’s been nice
Yes
Laughing times
Early morning love
Walks
Meaningful kissing
But I’ve been hurt before
The kind that can change a life
The kind that makes a body wary
And I must say that I am taking special care
Not to care so hard
While I am mostly open to love you
I prepare to let you go

The dream fulfillment protocol

These are the rules:
1) Keep them close to your heart. Share slowly, quietly. Be careful not to get desperate. Want it but try not to long for it.
2) Chip away. Nothing may come of the chipping but you can sleep at night knowing you did something more than dream.
3) When you do share - there is protocol to be followed. For all other things, you can say it to who you please when you please - vague acquaintance followed by friend's friend, facebook-someone_from_school.
But this one needs to be shared with those super important people in your life first for it to become a reality... so spouse, parents, siblings, best friend.

and finally ..
4) BELIEVE IT. Really believe it. Your dream deserves you as much as you deserve your dream.

i have one.. i will tell you later - per protocol.

You say you love me, but i don't know that you do. Any of you.
i think you love me when it is convenient to love me.
But when i want things you may not want, when i dream of a life which is not your dream - there is no space for this, no meeting ground.
I am a strong, independent woman but you don't need my strength or my independence... just the cuteness and the friendship .. none of the other uncomfortable appendages i come with.
How do we solve this? I ask knowing fully well we will not. I will crawl in to bed and tomorrow we will pretend those parts of me don't exist, those wannabe conversations never came up.
Because who are we kidding? You don't need me and you know i need you.
Why else would i be here - my heart feels compromised.