Wednesday, November 02, 2011
Friday, August 05, 2011
GIRL INTERRUPTED...
Susanna: I'm ambivalent. In fact that's my new favorite word.
Dr. Wick: Do you know what that means, ambivalence?
Susanna: I don't care.
Dr. Wick: If it's your favorite word, I would've thought you would...
Susanna: It *means* I don't care. That's what it means.
Dr. Wick: On the contrary, Susanna. Ambivalence suggests strong feelings... in opposition. The prefix, as in "ambidextrous," means "both." The rest of it, in Latin, means "vigor." The word suggests that you are torn... between two opposing courses of action.
Susanna: Will I stay or will I go?
Dr. Wick: Am I sane... or, am I crazy?
Susanna: Those aren't courses of action.
Dr. Wick: They can be, dear - for some.
Dr. Wick: Do you know what that means, ambivalence?
Susanna: I don't care.
Dr. Wick: If it's your favorite word, I would've thought you would...
Susanna: It *means* I don't care. That's what it means.
Dr. Wick: On the contrary, Susanna. Ambivalence suggests strong feelings... in opposition. The prefix, as in "ambidextrous," means "both." The rest of it, in Latin, means "vigor." The word suggests that you are torn... between two opposing courses of action.
Susanna: Will I stay or will I go?
Dr. Wick: Am I sane... or, am I crazy?
Susanna: Those aren't courses of action.
Dr. Wick: They can be, dear - for some.
How Knot to Sleep
Something happened. Or will.
I am anxious, fearful, nervous - all at once. Like before a presentation.
Like before a presentation that you know in the pit of your stomach will not go well.
And that's just it - somewhere between pit of the stomach and center of the chest there is what seems like the weight of the world.
Mornings are the worst. About 4.30 am or so, i wake up without wanting to.
And then there is no going back. I know almost before the thought has entered my head that it will... and even before the thought kicks in - my body obliges with the knot in the stomach and the hammering of the heart.
It's all downhill from there.
I can cover my head with the blanket all i want but now that the thought has entered the head - there is apparently no covering it again. I can toss - turn, wake up, drink water... it will not help.
The knot and the hammering will stay... sometimes picking up pace, sometimes dropping - but always there. Now that it has come - it will run its course ending only about mid-afternoon.
Quiet and peace then till we do all of this again the next morning.
I am anxious, fearful, nervous - all at once. Like before a presentation.
Like before a presentation that you know in the pit of your stomach will not go well.
And that's just it - somewhere between pit of the stomach and center of the chest there is what seems like the weight of the world.
Mornings are the worst. About 4.30 am or so, i wake up without wanting to.
And then there is no going back. I know almost before the thought has entered my head that it will... and even before the thought kicks in - my body obliges with the knot in the stomach and the hammering of the heart.
It's all downhill from there.
I can cover my head with the blanket all i want but now that the thought has entered the head - there is apparently no covering it again. I can toss - turn, wake up, drink water... it will not help.
The knot and the hammering will stay... sometimes picking up pace, sometimes dropping - but always there. Now that it has come - it will run its course ending only about mid-afternoon.
Quiet and peace then till we do all of this again the next morning.
GINGERLY
It has been long and a lot has changed.
No. That is incorrect - a lot has happened, nothing has changed.
Good things and bad things have happend, some exploration, some travel and a lott of thinking as well.
The thinking is what i think has done me in. I have more thinking to do tomorrow.
I was telling R the other day - multi-tasking is not my forte.. so while i think and dwell and wonder - i have really let a lot of life and what i really want pass me by.
I must stop now..
I am trying to articulate how i feel .. and the only word coming to mind is ... gingerly. How very random.
No. That is incorrect - a lot has happened, nothing has changed.
Good things and bad things have happend, some exploration, some travel and a lott of thinking as well.
The thinking is what i think has done me in. I have more thinking to do tomorrow.
I was telling R the other day - multi-tasking is not my forte.. so while i think and dwell and wonder - i have really let a lot of life and what i really want pass me by.
I must stop now..
I am trying to articulate how i feel .. and the only word coming to mind is ... gingerly. How very random.
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