... Arrey kaash meri in aankhon ki ab roshni bujh jaaye,
Maine dekha tha jo khwaab woh mujhko na kabhi yaad aaye...

Time for a few small repairs...

I was not planning on writing this. Its one of those things i couldn't help think about but i had promised myself - i absolutely DO NOT need to write / talk about every single thing i angst about .. but well like Soul Asylum says.. "One more promise i couldn't keep."

So here goes .. all i had to vent through the week :

1. Why do you naturally assume i will behave badly in a not-so-regular situation? Is that really how stupid i appear to you! Do i really need to be told 3 times that i should behave a certain way when i meet you in a different context!

2. If i admit to a weakness to someone - its because i think i can - which means i laugh and this someone laughs .. and the joke ends there. If you laugh about it when i am not laughing - you're just being mean.

3. Venting does not mean that i can't take care of a problem. I lived 28 years without your help - i can make the next week as well. Venting is what i need you for - solving i can do all by myself - Thank you very much!

Funny, you'd think i'd feel better after saying all that...

And its here...

This warrants a post.. i finally have my new car. Its a black, very cool looking santro.

I drove it home last night and it wasnt as bad as i thought it would be even though G had to rescue me oh so many times even at 1130 pm in the night.

It is currently parked outside my house in a non-shielded park place with its butt jutting out more than it should be - and like every other half-important thing in my life - its giving me sleepless nights. Yes, I am still terrified of driving - even more so now that its here.

i soo badly want to drive and be brave enough to drive and not be overwhelmed by having bought a car and not be telling everybody about how the fear is killing me. I want to be someone else for a few days... and whizz past town confidently and just be able to enjoy it!

Arrghh!

8th March, Thu, 6:43 am

I am writing this from office.. which means i am in office at 643 am!!!
I should have been in a flight to Mumbai but i am not - because Air Deccan delayed its 5:55 am flight... Not just delayed mind you, delayed by 6 hours! So now the bloody thing will leave only at 1130 am!!

I cannot begin to tell you how frustrated i am. Was at friends place last night - got home only by 11, packed and slept only by midnight. Cab guy who was supposed to show up by 420 calls me up at 330 am to ask for directions to home.. proceeds to get it wrong anyway and keeps calling till 410 am which is when he actually reaches.. so BASICALLY i have had about 3 hours of sleep.. i am in office and i have a v. short holiday which has been cut short by another half a day..

Not fair..I really just want to sleep :(

everybody loved him.. everybody disapeared..

Since i brought up Jerry Maguire - i should tell you i liked the movie...
so here are some memorable lines from it..

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dorothy: I love him! I love him for the man he wants to be. And I love him for the man he almost is.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ray: D'you know that the human head weighs 8 pounds?
Jerry Maguire: Did you know that Troy Aikman, in only six years, has passed for 16,303 yards?
Ray: D'you know that bees and dogs can smell fear?
Jerry Maguire: Did you know that the career record for hits is 4,256 by Pete Rose who is NOT in the Hall of Fame?
Ray: D'you know that my next door neighbor has three rabbits?
Jerry Maguire: I... I can't compete with that!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jerry Maguire: What do you want from me? My soul?
Dorothy: Why not? I deserve that much.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dicky Fox: Hey... I don't have all the answers. In life, to be honest, I have failed as much as I have succeeded. But I love my life. I love my wife. And I wish you my kind of success.

i-n-s-p-i-r-e

Watched Flags of our Fathers this weekend... Not bad! Not superlative either..
I know me a little better now.. so i know i don't need the bloody reality of it.. am quite happy with the romanticized version. Not to say this one wasn't romanticized- but i could do with more! Which explains why i particularly liked the ending speech, i guess - "... they might have fought for their countries, but they died for their friends.."

..To quote Dorothy from Jerry Maguire - "I just want to be inspired".

The word is disquiet..

Still with the feeling.. but now i have a word for it..
disquiet: lack of calm, peace or ease; anxiety; uneasiness

Funny the feeling should persist inspite of meeting Mr. S etc.
You'd think that should have considerably un-disquieted me.. or is it quieted me?
Well, it hasn't..

BOOOREDD!!

I am really bored!
Which is funny because i actually feel like something is about to happen..
and i am waiting for it to strike.. but in the meantime - BORED out of my skull..

Nucking futs!!

I am really terrified of driving.

I might have managed if it was a straight road and i didn't have to start the car and there were no people or cows involved.. so basically not getting very far..
Today the driving instructor told me, "6 classes ma, you still can't start means.." :(

But FYI - its not that easy!
and everybody who's been driving since they were 6 can just go screw themselves because when at 60 (ok fine - 28) you start learning and suddenly discover that ALL the people in this city are always walking ON the road 8 abreast .with their cow -- Its really very very scary!!

You may be right - i may be crazy

Left work at 430 pm today and in the wake of "potential tension in the city", went to fab india and blew 3k and something ..... on BED COVERSS!!
Just bad behaviour i tell you.
Hmmm...When i grow up i will save!

Blood Cauvery

In blood diamond people killed for diamonds..
In the TN vs Karnataka Cauvery battle - people kill for water.
I wonder if for people to kill - it would have to be one of the 2 extremes - basic or precious..
And i wonder if the same guy would kill for both or does it take 2 kinds?
And if it does take 2 kinds - i wonder what kind you are?
Would you kill for the basic or the precious? (and thanks, but i already know that basic and precious are relative).
Personally, i think i may be a 'basic' killer.
Do you think a "basic" killer is just a tad okay-er than a "precious" killer? (Objection! Leading!)

Its time to write again..

After 10 months and no action (on blog or otherwise) its time to start again.. on blog and on life.

Quick update - change of job, no change in life.. so much for 10 months of invisibility - still nothing to say.. but i have to admit - life is not so "deep sigh" anymore (refer to previous blog). Not sure why that is.. will think about it and tell you..

What else, acha gets married - May 10th '07. Really looking forward to this!!
Plan on buying a car.. soon - but since i don't know how to drive and i am not a fan of learning anything i hadn't picked up by the age of 4 so not looking forward to this.. i suspect there will be a few blogs on this ..

Not that much else i can think of for now.. see you soon hopefully (will certainly not be a 10 month wait)

Siggghhhhh....!!!

I have discovered the most accurate description to my life right now...
Its a 'deep sigh' life...
How is life? How is work? So what else is up? Love life?..
thats "Siggghhhhhh..!!" "Siggghhhhhh..!!" "Siggghhhhhh..!!" and "Siggghhhhhh..!!" ..
respectively.

Myself..

I was just telling myself the other day that what i really miss is having people around.. lots of them.
I used to have that.
Incidently "myself" and I talk a lot nowadays and myself has begun answering most questions i ask (this didn't happened that much before). Myself is also bit smug i feel. It is winning many arguments. I don't like to lose to anybody much less myself - if i lose even to myself, where does that leave me, right? (me=I)
I am quite tired of myself.

Haven;'t written anything for the longest time and yet i have NOTHING to write.

Have been feeling fairly stupid lately - almost like i was getting stupider each day... Haven't actively read in a long time and don't seem to retain much of what i do read.
Recently, saw some 2nd hand Class V - Class VII science and geogrpahy books. So i bought them.
Feeling much much better since i read "Ducks have webbed feeet" because THAT at least i knew..
I realise thats pathetic, but well life has been fairly pathetic lately!!
Actually thats not true..life is pretty good.. i can't seem to lose the restless/what is all this nonsense feeling though.
Must get over it!!

i want to be..

Also now i have to answer profound questions people insist on asking me like, "What do you really want to do?" (please refer to previous blog for details).. And all i can think is "Does it look like i know, dude? and would i be here if i knew?"
What are the chances that as a kid i said.. "i really want to do back-end marketing analytics for an offshore insurance business, appa".. Come on.. think a little, people!

I have decided that what i really want is to have a job which has a one-word job description (or at the very max two words).. like doctor, businesslady, army officer, adventure sportsperson, photographer, musician, artist..
and since i don't have the skill / talent / educational qualifications for any of these..it does look like i will be settling for a twenty-four word description type job.. and it also looks like it will not excite me THAT much!

i win

Don't have a job.. yet again.. well not exactly - but close enough..
"client team downsized, budget dropped.. so hmm lets look for a bigger role for you anna.. by July.. "

Been here before .. twice.. (thats also as many times as i have actually held a job by the by)
1st and 2nd job - we lost our biggest accounts..our bread and butter client.. though it never really felt like bread / butter was going to be a problem yet - wanted to actually do some work etc etc.. so left..

ayway, so i told friends about situation at work - and they said "anna strikes again!"..
can see where they are coming from.. must look like i am making a living out of this..
if i am making a living out of this though - let the record show - am a bloody good performer!!
3 jobs - 3 times "disguised unemployed"
Yaay! I think i win!

What to do?

Bush is definitely among the top 5 in my "least credibile person" list. He can say what he wants, straight face et al but i just cannot bring myself to believe a word.
Something on the news about how the Americans diffused an Al-Quaeda attempt to blow up the tallest building on the W. coast. Actually a perfectly believable claim - but because Bush said it i cannot believe it.
Either i am biased or i can see what the Americans can't - the emperor has no clothes!

going back to favourite phrase of 2006 - "hmmm...anyway.."
am back to restless phase and feeling like i should be doing bigger things.. inspirational things.. even if one person's life (this life cannot obviously be that of family / friends / any person who has stake in my life) is better because of me - my life might be worth it... otherwise i am beginning to think it really isn't!
WHAT TO DO?

The age of the Loser...

Of all the movies i can remember from before (Not sure what exact time period "before" is - but what i mean is until very recently for as long back as i can remember) the more popular movies / heroes were always the macho ones - where the hero beats the villain up. The Amol Palekar movie where the man could not get himself to talk to the girl was always the sidey movie - funny and all that, but still sidey.

I just realised that this has changed and changed pretty recently..
Exhibit A - Saif Khan - Screw-up type, not so macho person
Exhibit B - Bridget Jones Diary - Major loser but every girl i know really connected - Big Success
Exhibit C - Hugh Grant - Typical English loser type - Big Star
Exhibit D - American Pie (Did so well - they went and made a Part 2)
And so many more..

Its almost like an identity shift from "I don't want to be who i am - so show me a far-removed hero person i would like to be" to "I am okay with who I am. Its entertaining enough".
Here i am obviously stating my personal preferences and my concept of myself.
But that apart - you have to agree the market value of a "Loser" movie has certainly risen from before to now.

I find that interesting! I guess if i had the patience to research and a flair for writing - this would be a big cultural study finding!
Since i have neither i will end by saying - for the first time "I belong" - I am in fact in the Right Age!

Rang de Basanti (don't read it if you haven't watched it)

This i had to write before it left me...Watched Rang de Baasanti last night.. thats again by the way - twice in a 3 day span.. Lllloossser ..Anyhow..
I don't expect that much out of a movie nowadays - if it can make me laugh OR cry OR move me in some way - it has outdone itself. This one does all of this and in spades!
I was discussing this with friends last night- I know the message is about "not being complacent and doing something to improve the system" but what it really ends up saying is "do anything" and that i object to.
When you address a population as large and emotional as ours - you need to be careful what you say. Its fantastic that there is a message in the movie that is screaaamiing to be heard without any mask of "feel-good"/ subtlety to it but i think it is very extreme. I think that while a very smooth CYA has been executed by giving it the "appropriate" ending - it still nevertheless shows 5 young kids doing exactly what they felt like without remorse and we have made martyrs out of them and that i believe is wrong.
Has it been done before? Sure. Does that make this right? I don't think so.
It would be really really unfortunate if someone decided to take a gun and kill a few people they decided had wronged them because that would discourage film makers from making something so blatant & loud & 'out there'. It would be just as unfortunate if NOBODY did ANYTHING after they watched this movie and all the impact just died after a night of intense discussion.
But just to clarify, there is no debate in my mind about the quality of the movie.. I love how the movie is such an emotional roller-coaster and how it is not just about 1 hero, I love the dialogues (and i think that "ek pair ateeth main aur ek pair kal mein, tabhi to hum apni aaj pe mooth rahe hain" is just the most brilliant line), I love the songs (a r rehman is pure genius) and the poetry, i love how everybody has such a strong opinion about it and more than anything i love that i got goose-bumps watching it. That certainly has not happened in a while.
By the way, i now have a hello-tune from the movie for the first time - "roobaroo - roshni", call me and you can listen to it for as long as you want.. i promise not to take your call!