I read this in a post by M:


What could my mother be
to yours? What kin my father
to yours anyway? And how
did you and I meet ever?
But in love
Our hearts have mingled
like red earth and pouring rain.

-- Cempulappeyanirar

So so lovely

December 1st, 2010

Kyra Rachel Alexander is born. 8:30 am Dubai time (i.e. 10 am IST). 3 kg very tiny baby girl!
You have no idea how happy i am! My brother is a dad, my parents are grandparents and i am an aunt! I have one more person to love, give rib-crushing hugs to and pray for.
On her very 1st day here, i wish Kyra all the happiness she could possibly ask for and then some. And i want her to know (maybe a little later) that I'll be the cool aunt who she can tell anything to and i won't spill my guts everytime i see sofi or acha(much like i was the cool sis when i was growing up with my brother - never telling my parents anything!).
We'll be the best aunt-niece team ever!

God Speed my love

The verdict is out. While it is clearly well meaning, it does not in my opinion do justice. I will write more when i have thought it through some more.

I watched Dabangg the day it was released and knew it would be a huge hit!

It was such great fun. Like i said in my text to some of you - i forgot what the movie was about as soon as i got up from the seat but just remembered laughing...
a lot.

Salman Khan is back and that makes me very happy.
I am a recent Salman Khan fan. Not because of the movie but because he gave an interview some time back where he told some badly behaved reporters, "Aggar aap log Salman Khan jaise behave karenge, toh Salman Khan kya karega".
I thought that question alone warranted another fan.

What is brilliant about Dabangg is he is not "catering to the Indian audience's changing sensibilities".
As far as Salman Khan is concerened, "All your sensibilities be damned - that's Aamir Khan's headache. Let's be honest - you are actually just dying to whistle and see my bare chest tear out of a shirt. So let's do this: How about i make a movie with 1 number amma scene, 3 numbers whistle-worthy dialogues, 1 number chest baring scene and 2 numbers scene with the lady. WRAP. Lets see what that delivers..."

AND This is what it did deliver. Dabangg: 47 Crores! (Opening weekend).
Next big hit is 3 Idiots: 38 Crores (Opening weekend).
RESOUNDING HIT!
Will the real super star please stand up.

I feel very very tired. I think of this almost constantly through the day and in the middle of the most mundane activities, it will suddenly come to me .."So Tired".

I am going to recount what keeps me going because i think i really need to remember.

- Amma, Appa, Acha and Sofi are fine and love me in the kind of biased, blind-sided way only familes can. And Archie - what can i say, more blind-sided love!

- J. "Just J". Always checking in on me - breakfast, drinking enough water, fresh air... Its wonderful to have someone think about the small things for you.

- The rest of my family - Mummy, Gina and Prashanth - who don't appear to know what to do with all the tiredness but i can see it concerns them. And for their concern and for their not bringing it up - i am grateful.

- Calvin. who doesnt give a rat's ass about me being tried or sleepy or anything.. as long as he gets to lick my face and have me play with him.

- My closest friends... For friends i talk to everyday and the ones i talk to barely ever. The knowledge that i have 10 people in the world with whom there is no such thing as lost time.

Try This India

3rd of July, 2010
I woke up late (9 am) on this day. And in an hour's time, I was the owner of a domain name called "trythisindia.org".

How it started:
In a recent discussion with Ree, we talked about several ideas that would make life better for someone other than ourselves.
One of the ideas i had was to connect orphanages and old age homes and make the most of the potential that has to offer. There is a clear symbiosis there that has likely not been explored enough (Children need to be loved, adults need to love, there is so much an older person could teach to the younger lot, children love to perform and the folks from the old age home would be happy for the entertainment and so on).
I don't know if this connection has been made before - but i believe there is potential in this idea - certainly potential enough to try it.

I thought about this and similar ideas for a lot of that night. I think there are many simple ideas like this that are imminently do-able.
Then there may be the more complex ones that need more man-power and money. My belief is those are do-able too... if there is a forum to garner this support.

What is 'Try This India'...
Try this is meant to be such a forum. It is a forum where ideas and plans that have social relevance can be channeled, where people who like your idea can vote in to it, discuss and plan this idea with you and work with you to give your idea a try.
Small ideas are not only welcome, they are likely to be the main play for this forum. Because the most important thing for an idea to be tried is that the thought of trying does not appear daunting to the do-ers. The requirements should be clear and easy to commit to.

What i would like to do for this group:
Over a period of time, i would like to build awareness around what this group is ... enough awareness so corporates are happy to be associated with it and to sponsor ideas that appeal to them.
Interestingly, sponsorship of ONE idea is actually more than just that - it is the sponsorship of IDEATING. Because if even one idea can be sponspored, then this should mean that there is hope to ideate on bigger and more impactful things, to find sponsorship for these and inshah allah to try them.

Why i started this:
Truly... I started this partly to assuage my guilt about never having done anything useful for anyone but myself.
I am also doing this because i would really like to be a part of something i truly believe in.
So it was between doing 'Try this' and stalking Ranbir Kapoor.
I am led to believe by my husband that stalking is not okay, so 'Try this' it is.
I joke ... Please don't imagine i am trivializing this venture. Not my intention.

What it needs:
This needs time, people and money. I appear to have made the easiest committment so far - i have put in the money required to set this up. I have the domain name (trythisindia.org) for 5 years. (FYI - I have also got the .com, .net and .info free with this.)
All the rest of the hardwork i have not only not done, i have also not thought about when i will do. I am writing about this nonetheless - as a note to myself about the big plans i have for this forum. So i dont forget. And if it does not do anything worthwhile a year later - i feel really really guilty about it.

So long story short - this is the committment (today). I will do my very best to complete the set-up (website etc), and try at least 2 ideas through this forum in the coming 6 months.

I have to say i am really not sure about my ability to contribute enough to make this venture a success. But the work so far has been done with good intentions and in good faith and that is probably a decent start.

Rajneeti:
This is going to be the kind of review i would not want to read.
If you are among the 3 who visit - know that i will be giving away a fair bit of the story in this blog. The only concession i will make is that i will refer to characters in the movie by their names in the Mahabharat.

I liked:
1. The 1st half. All of it!

2. The take on the 'Mahabharata' and the detailing...
Karna's father is a driver, Krishna's character in the movie is called Brij Gopal,
Krishna drives Arjun to kill Karna, Karna is killed when his car is driven off the road and when he is unarmed.

2. That ALL the characters are grey. There is not a single person in the movie who has not seriously wronged another. For once it has been left entirely up to an audience's sensibility to decide whose side they are on.
No redemption for anyone - not the protagonist (Arjun), not Karan, Not even Krishna.

3. That it tried something quite new in story-telling. Stay with me on this one while i try to explain.
The protagonist is SHOWN doing wrong.
Arjun betrays Duryodhan and goes back on his word. Arjun plays on Draupadi's love. Arjun kills Babu Lal, Duryodhan and then Karna. All this is shown.

The negativity on the part of other ordinarily grey characters though (Duryodhan) is ONLY IMPLIED.
Duryodhan, for example does nothing dramatically wrong in this plot apart from being hot headed and arrogant... And it is only by implication that you know Karan is responsible for Arjun's father's death.
I thought this was fascinating and definitely a first. Not only do you let me pick sides, you also demonstrate the 'greyness' of the protagonist more often than the other side.
And yet i leave the movie thinking - it ended as it should have! Quite Brilliant!

4. The performances. Nana Patekar as Krishna is brilliant. As is Manoj Bajpayee playing Duryodhan! Arjun and Draupadi are also very good.

What didn't work for me:
1. 2nd half. some of it.

2. 'Politics brought out the worst in me' is a stale line and an unimaginative explanation for the mayhem shown.

3. Trying other movie plots just as an experiment.
Sarkar type killing spree. Politicians killing each other in broad daylight - without goons or anything.
And then when the story is sufficiently confused and you don't know how on earth to end this drama... "return of The Mahabharata"

4. Some very avoidable angles from the epic. Since they weren't going by the book anyway - they could have avoided the Kunti-Karna confrontation scene. It was beyond ridiculous! Not to mention an unpleasant flashback to the DD version with dialogues like "tum mere jesht putra ho".

5. The flimsy apology given by Arjun and the easy forgiveness!

All in all though 3.5 from me.

4 draft mails in my inbox - Incomplete
At least 2 wordpad letters - Incomplete
1 movie script - Incomplete
1 script for urban turban - Incomplete

All the things i care about! INCOMPLETE!
How can it be?

I am always struck by how much people will do for you - even if they don't know you. Perhaps especially if they don't know you... The people you expect the least from :
- The Israeli girl with the child in her arms waiting in queue with you for a transit visa will fight for your cause with the airport police. Knowing nothing of German like yourself but fighting nonetheless for a complete stranger who is probably in a better position than she is.
- The Egyptian lady will give you the other half of her adaptor because she discovers that you have got an adaptor that while it has the right kind of holes - fits NOTHING... Give, mind you - not lend.
- The Sardarji uncle who knows some German but not nearly as much either of us had hoped will stand with you parking his luggage, his wife and his children and asking them to "Shush" while he reads German notices slowly explaining what he can to me...

On other journeys:
- The conductor from a Mumbai bus who asked me to tell the American girl next to me about the bus timings and then bought coffee for both of us , refusing to take money. He bought it for her because she was a guest and he bought it for me .. JUST.
- The sub-inspector in a Mumbai bus who walked with me from a bus stand to railway station just to show me the way. And when i had reached went all the way back to the bus stand but not without telling me to 'Take care and Be Safe' and giving his card in case i ran in to trouble.
- and so many many more...

My wallet has many such cards and tissue papers with numbers and email addresses of people like these... who I will never call or mail.
But they are the reason for my sigh of relief at a crazy airport and for my resolute confidence that i will absolutely and surely Be Okay!

No one needs to know.

- I ate quail awkwardly wondering if the bird would fly out of my plate while i was trying to cut it.
- I got in to the bus not knowing how and who to give the cash to so stood around staring for a bit.
- I gave out a 2 cents instead of 20 (why make 2 cent coins anyway)
- I sweated while eating at the Marriott coz for some reason there were no prices and i didnt know how expensive and i was to embarassed to leave.
- I almost got stuck outside the train door because i just about made it in time.
- I can often not understand what people are saying in calls because of their accent
- I said inappropriate things about the German airport authority to a German person
- I have no idea if they like me - and i am always wondering why they are smiling... like that!

1st time i ever took an international flight was on my way from India to NY..
The BA flight circled around a Bit, had one of its wings hit one of those big ladder things, and then they canceled that flight because of fuel leakage.

The Dubai trip was un-eventful. I think thats coz J's good luck canceled my bad luck.

Now this time on my way to US - a volcano has erupted in iceland which is causing chaos in Europe.. so of course thats where i am - Europe.. with all the chaos!

Everything is in German, All TV channels, newspapers .. when i opened the blog, it asked me if wanted to "Anmalden" and i was not sure if i was being asked to delete the blog... Thankfully, it just means "Sign-in".

Height of Anonymity

I give you a "Speak Out box" so you can post your notes / questions anonymously.
You then give your note to someone else and have them post it (much like shikhandi killing bheeshma)- so that NO ONE SEES YOU put the ANONYMOUS note in the ANONYMOUS box!
Whatay!

I dress for work, attend meetings... but i don't believe i make any difference to this company. It feels like i am just playing Office Office.

I watched 3 idiots.. the same movie the whole country is raving about (box office results as of 28th Dec: 100 crores). Huge hit clearly!

Why this movie did'nt work for me:
1) Aamir Khan (THE Aamir Khan - the man i love and wrote love letters to when i was in the 8th standard) hammed his way through this!
2) This is Taare Zameen Pe (TZP) Part 2, begging parents not to kill their kids in the race and to recognise that each child has something else .. blah blah. Did i mention too preachy.
3) It was so so predictable
3a) Remember this scene: Kareena Kapoor character (KKC): "Are you married?",
Aamir Khan's character (AKC): "No";
KKC: "Do you love someone?"
AKC: "Yes"..
(silence and everyone is expected to hold their breath)
AKC says. "Tumse".
Seriously! And you didn't see that one!!!
4) They really had to go and do the Five point someone Engineering thing... and the flood thing... AND the delivery scene ... AND the runaway bride thing. Stop already!
5) Lets go kill that Chatur guy.
6) I have a problem with jokes on crap, fart, poop etc etc.. and by my standards this was an OD.

Very long 3 hours for me.
p.s.: i'm with chetan bhagat - not enough credit given to the author of the original story.

I write this today in the hope that i write a little more and a lot better this year. Amen!

Why i liked rocket singh...

They had their research on Sales pit-pat... And that was refreshing.. That you took the trouble to understand and then tell me the story and didn't just shove absurb, bizarro fantasies you have my way.

Can you imagine how this would have turned out if Madhur Bhandarkar had made it - given his penchant for making vertical focused movies.
He would have called it "Sales" for starters, and then shown the salesman sleep with all the customers to get the business and then i am guessing something about him becoming the biggest salesman in the country and how that gets to his head and how he ruins it all! something along those lines. Trust me.

Rocket Singh took Ranbir Kapoor's biggest asset (his face) and covered it with a beard and a paggdi and said "now go deliver" ... and he did!

What i didn't like... the curse of the 2nd half i would like to call it.
Stretched a bit too much and got quite preachy in the last few scenes.

But all-in-all, good watch. 3.5 stars from me.

I went to Dubai for my 1st phorren vacation.
And No, the week long NY trip i took early last year does not count
because ...
a) it was for work
b) i had NO money
c) i almost froze and died... and surviving near-death experiences does not a vacation make. Fair?

Anyway, this trip was so so different..
i was with family, i had a longish break, the weather was just the kind i can handle (hot and humid). All in all.. great!
Also i had some money....
soo i did shopping-ish things...
soo now i have to say, "i used to have money".

Dubai is very different from what i expected it to be.
The way my brother made it sound, i thought it would be teeming with malayali 'somewhat-relatives' type people who you never even wanted to meet "back home" (Ha, there i said it.. THE ultimate ex-pat phrase)...
Not true though! Its a super large city filled with superlative things... literally. Tallest building, biggest fountain, largest flag, largest LCD display.
If it does not have an EST attached to it - tis not worth the Arab's time.
(fingers crossed that the recent crash is not the largEST).

But seriously. Great holiday spot... (limited experience but still!)

I often look for my husband on the internal office communication system (called OC - how's that for creativity!). And then get very irritated that someone who does not work in my company is not available on the chat... How inefficient!

Soo bored!! Think i will look Appa up on OC now.

SenR & Me have an idea...
and i think this might really be it!!

Communication. It's the first thing we really learn in life. Funny thing is, once we grow up, learn our words and really start talking the harder it becomes to know what to say. Or how to ask for what we really need.


- Meredith Grey

My dear dear J,

Yesterday was our 2 year "Proposal anniversary"
(I wonder if other people also have anniversaries like that)

My guess is that your memory of that night can't be very nice, thanks to my very freaked out reaction to the proposal. I am sorry for that.

You should know though that i had the most incredible experience that night,
Something i never expected to happen to me - did.
Someone i loved asked me to marry him...
& not just asked, mind you - asked on bended knee, with a ring and wine ...
Thank you baby for making my memory of the proposal so so special.

In the last year of being married, we have been through 3 trials (i think we have consensus on this) and dealt with it better than okay...
and even though the miscarriage is only a week old (i have decided that its okay to talk about this), i still recognise that while i would rather have had things work out differently, now that they haven't, i am only grateful that i am dealing with this situation with you.

So j-boy... 2 and something years of being with each other, and 1 year of marriage later, i know today what a good decision i made 25th Aug 2007, when i said "YES".


With All My love,
A
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p.s.: don't worry about this being a public forum. only 4 people visit...
and they'll be okay with anything. Trust me.

i take longer to put detergent in the washing machine,
longer to hang clothes - clipping each item to the clothes line with more care thean i normally would
i take a bath slowly, trying to get cleaner than i normally would
apply more cream and more patiently than i normally would..

is your life also slower & more careful when you are sad? like you just could not afford to be careless with any task.

I Left This Morning
~ by Peter Bland

I left this morning saying 'I love you'
as if setting out for some unknown country
instead of the corner shop. I wanted
you to be sure, in case
this time - out of, say, 10,000 departures
I never made it back: although
after 50 years together, 2 countries,
3 children, and several former journeys
that would put this one to shame
you'd think there'd be no need to pause
on my own doorstep, suddenly afraid
of the distance between us, of your absolute beauty,
of the growing aloneness when I clicked the latch

I'm going to Kerala tomorrow for a whole 8 days!!!
I CANNOT wait.
My self esteem has taken such a beating at work in the last month - it needs the kind of biased, blind-sided boosting only parents can provide.

One of the most treasured memories of my childhood is of being in my grandparent’s house in Kerala at night; with no electricity, a million cousins & a handful of torches.
At least one cousin would be flashing the torch from below their chin pretending to be a ghost,
While the rest of us tried to identify insects from the sound they made in the dark.
& we would all talk in to the night – ghost stories and all.
Aaj kal bijli kam jaati hai

Having been told quite early that I must not attempt to sing,
The only times I did was when the power was gone,
And I needed to distract myself from the darkness and from wondering “what’s that shape near the door?”
Soon I would forget all about odd shapes, refrigerator sounds and the darkness,
As I tried to remember the paragraphs of old Hindi songs.
Aaj kal bijli kam jaati hai

My mother & all other aunties in the colony would come out and sit at the entrance of our building when the power would go
They would just sit around there talking, cutting vegetables for dinner,
While all their kids would be sitting around playing Antakshari or Hide & Seek.
Have you ever played Hide & Seek in the dark? It's the most fun.
Aaj kal bijli kam jaati hai

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Am writing this in the comfort that no one ever comes here and the ones who do come out of deep unconditional love for me and will not stop coming because i wrote random things (again).

Whatay truly terrible week this has been ...
Actually 2 more terrible days to go before we can call it a week!
(Yes i know "Faith", i wrote about her 2 posts ago. I write this after having consulted her.)

Anyway, i now feel bitchier than the average week.
Here are some specific bitchy thoughts:
1) Frequent readers of this blog (26% of the 2.83 who visit this blog) would know that i dont have a cabin at work yet... i would like to change that very dated idea you have and have you know that now i don't even have a seat. Thank you!
2) I do have a very good team though and while i have had a great 1st 6 month innings with them, i am now having some very very depressing things happening.
(since this is a public forum, i cannot share much more, but to give you a parallel - remember how you felt after you watched "prem aggan"...Exact same emotion)
3) In this most motivating work envirnment, i want to add - i am light years away from achieving any goal set for me at work.
(actual count as of 28th May '09: 0/3236 goals achieved)

This is a small account and captures only very few surface emotions...
Don't get me started on acquaintance type relative who wanted to know if i had "any good news" to share, Calvin - pup by day, Taliban funded sabotage agent by night and
many more life-embracing situations sprung quite recently at J & me
(largely because of god giving in chhappad phaad ke format).

Introduction to Poetry
(Billy Collins)

I ask them to take a poem
and hold it up to the light
like a color slide

or press an ear against its hive.

I say drop a mouse into a poem
and watch him probe his way out,

or walk inside the poem's room
and feel the walls for a light switch.

I want them to waterski
across the surface of a poem
waving at the author's name on the shore.

But all they want to do
is tie the poem to a chair with rope
and torture a confession out of it.

They begin beating it with a hose
to find out what it really means

I am reading a book called Mr. Pip.
A small half para in that book talks about faith and religion.
I loved it... so here it is (in my words with my some of my beliefs).

Faith is what keeps it all together.
You must have faith... in yourself or in a God or in the Universe
in Something... just ANYTHING !
You need faith so that when things go wrong, you can summon that faith and get going again...

And you need this Faith in a place in you where it is summonable.
Thats not so easy - to have faith at your beck and call.
Enter Religion.
Maybe Religion and its practices are not the villain i have thought them to be. Maybe Religion was built just as a tool for the practice of faith, so that when you reach out to faith - you find it easily.

Religion gives you the book, the prayers, the hymns, the rosaries, the temples and the churches so you can practice having faith...
The faith that a man condemned and crucified to his death can rise again,
The faith that even the gods can come to difficult places in their journey, and when they do need to cross that ocean (without a boat)... the faith that all the universe would come together to make them a road (monkeys and squirrels included).

Maybe religion was made so you may have stories - stories that you listen to all your lives and hopefully come to believe... believe that anything is possible.

Faith keeps it all together but dont dismiss religion.
Maybe it has a purpose... It gives you the practice to summon your faith.

Here's what i was thinking last night.
Remember that song - "When you're happy and you know it - Clap your hands."
You, like me, have probably known that song all your life... and yet for me - only last night did it really fall in to place.

The key is not the 'being happy' part or what to do when you get there...
its the "KNOWING" part that makes all the difference.

Finding something joyful and happy in retrospect is the easiest thing in the world. That's what nostaligia is all about, the imagination that you were happy in the past...
The appreciation that Now is good and Knowing that you are happy in this now will make all the difference.

Valentine for Ernest Mann

You can't order a poem like you order a taco.
Walk up to the counter, say, "I'll take two"
and expect it to be handed back to you
on a shiny plate.

Still, I like your spirit.
Anyone who says, "Here's my address,
write me a poem," deserves something in reply.
So I'll tell you a secret instead:
poems hide. In the bottoms of our shoes,
they are sleeping. They are the shadows
drifting across our ceilings the moment
before we wake up. What we have to do
is live in a way that lets us find them.

Once I knew a man who gave his wife
two skunks for a valentine.
He couldn't understand why she was crying.
"I thought they had such beautiful eyes."
And he was serious. He was a serious man
who lived in a serious way. Nothing was ugly
just because the world said so. He really
liked those skunks. So, he re-invented them
as valentines and they became beautiful.
At least, to him. And the poems that had been hiding
in the eyes of skunks for centuries
crawled out and curled up at his feet.

Maybe if we re-invent whatever our lives give us
we find poems. Check your garage, the odd sock
in your drawer, the person you almost like, but not quite.
And let me know.

-- Naomi Shihib Nye

Feb 3rd 2009

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Feb 2nd 2009

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Latest latest entry in to my life...

Name : Calvin X Thomas
Breed : Basette Hound
Date of Birth : 17th Dec 08
Entered home : 24th Jan 09
Strengths : Awwwww!! Ohhshooshweeeetttt! Muahhh!
Weakness : Refusal to get toilet trained. Also Sulky sulky @#$%^&*(
Opportunity : Hmmm..
Threat : JX, MX, AT + 1 number driver in risk of losing their minds.






Also here's one of my Archie-Parchy in Kerala. Far far away from me.
Driving parents + 1 number neighbour crazy.








Ayyoo shoo shweet!! Ohhmydarlingdarlingbabiesssshh... muahhhh
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In case you haven't been paying attention to blogs of long before...
This is story so far!

My latest favourite hummable while i drive...

How to Save a Life

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
You begin to wonder why you came

CHORUS:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you

CHORUS:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

CHORUS:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

I am reading The Palace of Illusions. I cannot put it down! I love it.
I love the perspective and I love how the characters have been humanized in a world of Gods & Godesses.
I love this book almost as much as i loved Shantaram... but not in the same way :)

And here's my brother and falcon wearing somewhat matching clothes

Apparently, I belong to the 50's.
Didn't realise how old fashioned i was...

You go take this test and tell me what time warp you're in?

C.A.T.

If I started an organization called Citizens Against Terror (CAT), would you join?
I hope to come back in sometime with an action plan on what my CATs would do. If you are reading this, can you spend some time thinking about this as well...

Also read this: Area Suraksha Mitra
... for inspiration.

Is Baar Nahin

Is baar nahin
- Prasoon Joshi

Is baar jab woh choti si bachchi mere paas apni kharonch le kar aayegi,
Main usey phoo phoo kar nahin behlaoonga,
Panapney doonga uski tees ko,
Is baar nahin.

Is baar jab main chehron par dard likha dekhoonga,
Nahin gaoonga geet peeda bhula dene wale,
Dard ko risney doonga, utarney doonga andar gehrey,
Is baar nahin.

Is baar main na marham lagaoonga,
Na hi uthaoonga rui ke phahey,
Aur na hi kahoonga ki tum aankein band karlo,gardan udhar kar lo main dawa lagata hoon,
Dekhney doonga sabko hum sabko khuley nangey ghaav,
Is baar nahin.

Is baar jab uljhaney dekhoonga,chatpatahat dekhoonga,
Nahin daudoonga uljhee door lapetney,
Uljhaney doonga jab tak ulajh sake,
Is baar nahin.

Is baar karm ka hawala de kar nahin uthaoonga auzaar,
Nahin karoonga phir se ek nayee shuruaat,
Nahin banoonga misaal ek karmyogi ki,
Nahin aaney doonga zindagi ko aasani se patri par,
Utarney doonga usey keechad main,tedhey medhey raston pe,
Nahin sookhney doonga deewaron par laga khoon,
Halka nahin padney doonga uska rang,
Is baar nahin banney doonga usey itna laachaar,
Ki paan ki peek aur khoon ka fark hi khatm ho jaye,
Is baar nahin.

Is baar ghawon ko dekhna hai,
Gaur se, Thoda lambe wakt tak,
Kuch faisley, Aur uskey baad hausley,
Kahin toh shuruat karni hi hogi.
Is baar yahi tay kiya hai.

********************************

Beautiful poem. And its like he is taking the lines from my head when he says -
"Kuch Faisley, Aur uskey baad Hausley"

The politicians in my country are of the belief that their God resides in temples, mosques and churches. That can be the only reason why a Ram Janmabhoomi, Babri Masjid and your religion are of more consequence than your life.

Couple of days ago, 'Times Now' thought it okay to ask Priyanka Gandhi," What is your message to the soldiers who died in the Mumbai episode?" !!!???!
... Because of course 'Times Now' has a special mechanism to communicate to the dead.

When you say on the news, "11 police officers died...The police have been in the line of fire and have very much been doing their job."
It makes me wonder, Do people have to die for you to know they are doing their jobs?

Hindi cinema has spent the last some decades using lame phrases to describe sex.. of special note among the many euphamisms is the term "Hadd se guzar jaana" .. meaning sex/ giving in to temptation / crossing the line (???)!

1991: In a movie called Phool Aur Kaante, Ajay Devgan is heard singing to the leading lady about the joys of taking it slowly... "Dheere dheere pyaar ko badhaana hai, hadh se guzar jaana hai!"
And a decade later, we were no better .. in a movie called Albela (2001), the female lead had the unique pleasure of mouthing "Kaho To Zara Jhoom Loon Tumhaare Is Khumaar Mein, Dil Kehta Hai Jaane Jaana, Hadh Se Guzar Jaaoon Pyaar Mein".

Thank God for Kunal Ganjawala spelling it out for us in Murder (2004) ..
"Kabhi mere saath koi raat guzaar, Tujhe subah tak main karoon pyaar".

Watched parts of Mohabbatein last night.. My mistake!
Preeti Jhangiani's character is that of a widow, widow-ed on the 1st night of her marriage - conveniently.. to make sure she remained a virgin for the man who comes along years later..
WHAT IS THAT PLOT???!!
We were making movies like this in the 1950's!
Imagine that.. as late as 2000 our film makers still believe that their audience would not be able to bear the thought of having a leading lady who is not a virgin!!
Stupid stupid stupid!

Oh and did i mention - so wonderful with children!

First Memory

Long ago, I was wounded. I lived
to revenge myself
against my father, not
for what he was—
for what I was: from the beginning of time,
in childhood, I thought
that pain meant
I was not loved.
It meant I loved.

- Louise Gluck

For all the anti-firangness of the Raj Thakeray's of the world, they seem to have inherited The most angrez thing of all of us.. "Divide and Rule"
... Dividing the Hindus from the Non-Hindus from the Maharashtrians from the....
Ironic huh!

I don't know the price of a single thing - not eggs, not bread, not milk, not onions, not fish!
Friend of mine said he was very suprised to find that bread costed Rs.17 - he says the last time he bought it, it was Rs.12!
So I suspect a lot of people i know are as clueless.

i guess a large part of the problem is that we all largely shop in super markets and just drop whatever we want in the trolley ..no price checking, nothing!
Its sad! My parents still talk about prices, how they are rising, where they buy from.
And me...i just dont know any better!

I discovered this book called "The Secret" recently.
Its about how we invite the life we have by thinking about the life we want. (something to that effect). J pointed out interesting quote by Mr.Ford .. "Whether you think you can, or you can't - Either way you're right!".
Nice huh!

Just so you know i wrote about something VAGGUELY similar in long-ago blog

And And And... In my 1st ever blog, i wrote "..When death has once entered in to a house, it alomost invariably returns immediately, as if it knew the way" - Guy De Maupassant. This one is from a short story called 'The Mad Woman'. Just thought this was so true .. about death, grief.. everything!"
I am going to say this one more time - when an emotion knows the way to your house/heart - it will find its way back.. unerringly, everytime!

Harry Potter is this generations response to Lewis Carroll..

Its got insights on everything - death, dreams, standing up for what is right, fear of the unknown, imagination, love conquering all.. really just everything.

Here's some from Albus Dumbledore

"After all, to the well-organized mind, death is but the next great adventure."

"It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live"

"It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to our enemies, but just as much to stand up to our friends."

"Say 'Voldermort' Harry. Always refer to things by their proper name. Fear of the name increases fear of the thing itself.
It is the unknown we fear when we look upon death and darkness, nothing more."

"Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real? "

"It is our choices Harry that show what we really are . Far more than our abilities"

These days people are always asking me how it feels to be married and i really dont know how to respond... "Feels good" is what i say coz it does.
Always feel like they are expecting longer answer though.

So here's my long answer:

In some ways - Nothing has changed. I havent. My lifestyle hasn't.
And yet EVERYTHING has changed. I live in a new place. I dont live alone anymore. There are many boy things around my place and its no longer just me i think of - there is always a "+family" to think of.
All very very new to me.

I should add here i like being married .. new-ness and all!
i like not having to budget for time,
to not have to wonder "where is this relationship going",
to have my life fall in to a more set pattern - a new pattern but a pattern nonetheless.
I like the knowledge that the parents love the boy ... and did not hesitate to take him aside after wedding and say, "she sometimes throws tantrums - so watch out for that!"
i sometimes wonder if this will last - this whole new "all looking good" place or will life kick in and demand some angst.. but i guess (hope?) thats for later..
for now - i like being married.

The deed is done

21 days to go for the wedding..
& i think i am in suprisingly good shape..
- i have a pivot-able excel sheet of invites (with email invites and physical invites marked out separately and with % applied to get to how many people will actually show up - its vunderrful!),
- have done almost all shopping (~90% through i would say),
- grub decided,
- money paid out to most vendor people
and yet am just a little anxious.. not sure if its coz i have missed something or if this is what they call cold feet.

Random poem by obscure person (i think).. but oh so lovely!

When first I loved
- Taj Mahjomed (Translated in to English by Laurence Hope)

WHEN first I loved, I gave my very soul
Utterly unreserved to Love's control,
But Love deceived me, wrenched my youth away
And made the gold of life forever grey.

Long I lived lonely, yet I tried in vain
With any other Joy to stifle pain;
There is no other joy, I learned to know,
And so returned to Love, as long ago.
Yet I, this little while ere I go hence,
Love very lightly now, in self-defense.

I went to foreign..

Enjoyed NY tremendously... but have to admit happy to be back.
The high point was the broadway play.. watched 'The Phantom of the Opera'.
I have not seen anything like it before and NOTHING could have prepared me for the sheer scale of production. I loved it!!!

We've been told he's a labrador.. Not looking anything like one yet - but we paid for a lab so thats what he is!
He is called Archie by the by (Thank you - but i already know he is black).
I had only suggested that my parents name the dog after a cartoon character
coz our 1st dog was called Dennis PLUS my parents had already told me they wanted to call him "something simple like Jimmy or Tommy".
If you knew anything about my life - you would see the humour in that line!

Achcha, i have a new theory which i must share.
There is a drama pie in everybodys life which indicates the emotion+drama quotient based on historcal data (fact)and somewhere unwittingly people design their lives to match up to this pie (theory).

What i mean is - if your life this far has had 10% drama in it - you will create 10% drama in the remaining portion of your life and similarly for all other emotions.
Even the portions of your life that are circumstance based and have caused pain - you will get used to having that pain in your life and will create that much pain in the rest of your life.

(my pie looks like this: love - 20%; comedy - 10%; limbo - 25%; tragedy - 12%;
bizarre & psycho type - 8%; intense un-scripted drama - 8%, anger - 7%,
hysteria - 5%, paranoia - 5%.)

Today i think is the 1st day of the winter - all the signs were there .. nip in the air, couldnt wake up in the morning etc... I hate the winters!

They say only the paradnoid survive...
I am going to live to be a 100!!

My dear dear M, my partner in crime, my other half, my very often better half..
This is for you.

As always when i hung up after speaking to you, I was grateful that i had you to speak to... Amused that we are such bitches... Happy that 1 billion re-runs of conversation later, you and me are still interesting to us...
Warmed at the thought that for every nonsense plan of mine - i will always have a supporter.. who may not say, "go for it", but will say, "have fun".

You're the best-est babe!!
All my love.

Gumshuda

I happened to watch DD1 for a bit - they were showing the "Lapatta" list. And it occured to me that i have not seen that piece of news in the longest time - since cable tv actually.
Shocking! 10+ news channels. Correction - thats 10+ 24 hours news channels.. and no lapatta list!
we can cover the gates of prateeksha during the abhi-ash wedding for 2 whole weeks - but we can't cover the missing persons list!

I guess it would be impossible to expect that i should not have accumulated any baggage.. it has been a long enough life!
you now no longer deal with just me, you deal with me times 28.. thats too much of me.. even for me to carry.. but i guess its a good start to recognise that some of this (me) is baggage.. and i would walk freer, lighter and swing my arms better without it.

A Short Poem by Peter Griffin

A cold evening

Drifts down from the Aravallis.

One ear stays warm.

Science would insist

That it's a cheap phone Heating up.

I know what it really is:

You called

To share the sunset.

I was telling J last evening.. unlike other drivers who seem to want to get from point A to point B - that does'nt seem to be my objective at all.. i drive with the objective of avoiding any on-coming traffif.. so for instance, i see car coming up ahead and quickly take left, a few more of these lefts later i discover i have come full circle...

i eventually get to where i am going .. but its not because i tried at all.. profound eh!?!

I've been told that most cultures have a saying which is the equivalent of "Squeaking doors get the oil". In India the equivalent is apparently, "The crying baby gets the milk"...

I've been told, the Chinese have a saying, "The nail that stands out gets hammered".

Found that very very interesting..

Fe fo fi fum.. i smell happiness.
or is it too early to proclaim..
maybe - but in the spirit of the moment etc - i am happy.. and this is momentous!

ATLAS
- Kay Ryan

Extreme exertion
isolates a person
from help,
discovered Atlas.
Once a certain
shoulder-to-burden
ratio collapses,
there is so little
others can do:
they can't
lend a hand
with Brazil
and not stand
on Peru.

Found this on cousins blog .. so pretty..

God Says Yes To Me
- Kaylin Haught

I asked God if it was okay to be melodramatic,
and she said yes
I asked her if it was okay to be short,
and she said - it sure is
I asked her if I could wear nail polish,
or not wear nail polish,
and she said honey
she calls me that sometimes,
she said you can do just exactly,
what you want to,
Thanks God I said
And is it even okay if I don't paragraph,
my letters
Sweetcakes God said
who knows where she picked that up
what I'm telling you is
Yes Yes Yes

One of my all time favourite hindi romantic songs...

Phoolon ke rang se, Dil ki kalam se, tujh ko likhi roz paati,
Kaise batao, kis kis tarah se, Pal pal mujhe tu satati ..

Tere hi sapne lekar ke soya, Teri hi yaadon mein jaaga
Tere khayaalon mein uljha raha yun, Jaise ke mala mein dhaaga

Haan~~ Badal Bijli Chandan Paani - jaisa apna pyaar, Lena hoga janam hume kai kai baar Haan~~ Itna madir, Itna madhur tere mera pyaar, Lena hoga janam hume kai kai baar
-
Saanson ki sargam, dhadkan ki beena, sapnon ki geetanjali tu,
Man ki gali mein mehke jo har dum, Aisi juhi ki kali tu

Chota safar ho, lamba safar ho, Sooni dagar ho ya mela
Yaad tu aaye man ho jaaye bheed ke beech akela

Haan~~ Badal Bijli Chandan Paani - jaisa apna pyaar, Lena hoga janam hume kai kai baar Haan~~ Itna madir, Itna madhur tere mera pyaar, Lena hoga janam hume kai kai baar
-
Purab ho Pachhim Uttar ho Dakshin, Tu har jagah muskuraaye
Jitna hi jaaon main door tujh se, Utni hi tu paas aaye

Aandhi ne roka, Paani ne toka, Duniya ne hans kar pukara
Tasveer teri lekin liye main ghar aaya sabse kinara

Haan~~ Badal Bijli Chandan Paani - jaisa apna pyaar, Lena hoga janam hume kai kai baar Haan~~ Itna madir, Itna madhur tere mera pyaar, Lena hoga janam hume kai kai baar
...Kai Kai Baar...Kai Kai Baar
-------------------------------------------------------------------

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

- William Ernest Henley

My inspired thought for this week...

I went for a training this week and and in one section of the training the coach (Michael Dale) was talking about negotiation.

He narrated a very simple story of someone who wanted to buy a grandfather clock. A grandfather clock is an expensive purchase - the approximate price for one is about $10,000. This one guy decides he absolutely has to have one and starts saving up to buy it.
Over the course of a few months he manages to save the money and decides, "Its time to go shopping for that clock!". He sees this beautiful antique piece at a store and gets in to take a good look and decides - its perfect!! So he goes up to the storekeeper and asks him for the price. The store keeper says, "$9000."
Our man is thinking, "Wow, that is a steal!" but he doesnt want to buy that easy without even a shot at negotiation. So he starts giving the storekeeper this whole shpeel, "You know as i was looking at that clock i noticed it was really dusty .. and it had a few scratches. I also noticed the price tag was quite faded. It looks like this piece has not only been here for really long.. it has not been taken care off that well. I am quite uncomfortable paying that kind of money for this clock. I'll tell you what though - I am going to make you a great offer... I will pay you $8000 ..All cash of course right away. But no more than that.."
The shopkeeper without batting an eyelid says immediately - "Done!"

The question Michael asked us was - "Do you think the guy left the shop feeling satisfied?"
The answer is very obvious - No he would not be satisfied.
And the reason for that is primarily because he was DENIED THE PROCESS of negotiating.
He was denied the whole 3 act drama of the storekeeper saying - "Ohl but how will i feed my wife and kids! I will make absolutely no margin if i sell to you at that price ! (storekeeper holding head in hands) I absolutely can't." etc etc. And then finally of watching the storekeeper appear to come around to your price.
That is the process that we all understand and expect.. anything less and of course we feel cheated!

I couldn't stop thinking about that story and creating analogies in other contexts.
So i was thinking I've heard this one phrase quite often - "Men like the chase better than the catch".
Newsflash 1- Thats not true just for men by the way, thats true for all people.
Newsflash 2: Its not because we are mercenary - its because we understand that like all good things in life romance is a process. When you come too easily (naughty naughty anna!! and bad bad pun!!) you are denying me the PROCESS OF PLAYING THE ROMANCE GAME' with you.. of wondering if you like me, of second guessing you, of the banter, of being coy with you .. i could go on!
Of course we feel cheated!!

... Arrey kaash meri in aankhon ki ab roshni bujh jaaye,
Maine dekha tha jo khwaab woh mujhko na kabhi yaad aaye...

Time for a few small repairs...

I was not planning on writing this. Its one of those things i couldn't help think about but i had promised myself - i absolutely DO NOT need to write / talk about every single thing i angst about .. but well like Soul Asylum says.. "One more promise i couldn't keep."

So here goes .. all i had to vent through the week :

1. Why do you naturally assume i will behave badly in a not-so-regular situation? Is that really how stupid i appear to you! Do i really need to be told 3 times that i should behave a certain way when i meet you in a different context!

2. If i admit to a weakness to someone - its because i think i can - which means i laugh and this someone laughs .. and the joke ends there. If you laugh about it when i am not laughing - you're just being mean.

3. Venting does not mean that i can't take care of a problem. I lived 28 years without your help - i can make the next week as well. Venting is what i need you for - solving i can do all by myself - Thank you very much!

Funny, you'd think i'd feel better after saying all that...

And its here...

This warrants a post.. i finally have my new car. Its a black, very cool looking santro.

I drove it home last night and it wasnt as bad as i thought it would be even though G had to rescue me oh so many times even at 1130 pm in the night.

It is currently parked outside my house in a non-shielded park place with its butt jutting out more than it should be - and like every other half-important thing in my life - its giving me sleepless nights. Yes, I am still terrified of driving - even more so now that its here.

i soo badly want to drive and be brave enough to drive and not be overwhelmed by having bought a car and not be telling everybody about how the fear is killing me. I want to be someone else for a few days... and whizz past town confidently and just be able to enjoy it!

Arrghh!

8th March, Thu, 6:43 am

I am writing this from office.. which means i am in office at 643 am!!!
I should have been in a flight to Mumbai but i am not - because Air Deccan delayed its 5:55 am flight... Not just delayed mind you, delayed by 6 hours! So now the bloody thing will leave only at 1130 am!!

I cannot begin to tell you how frustrated i am. Was at friends place last night - got home only by 11, packed and slept only by midnight. Cab guy who was supposed to show up by 420 calls me up at 330 am to ask for directions to home.. proceeds to get it wrong anyway and keeps calling till 410 am which is when he actually reaches.. so BASICALLY i have had about 3 hours of sleep.. i am in office and i have a v. short holiday which has been cut short by another half a day..

Not fair..I really just want to sleep :(

everybody loved him.. everybody disapeared..

Since i brought up Jerry Maguire - i should tell you i liked the movie...
so here are some memorable lines from it..

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dorothy: I love him! I love him for the man he wants to be. And I love him for the man he almost is.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ray: D'you know that the human head weighs 8 pounds?
Jerry Maguire: Did you know that Troy Aikman, in only six years, has passed for 16,303 yards?
Ray: D'you know that bees and dogs can smell fear?
Jerry Maguire: Did you know that the career record for hits is 4,256 by Pete Rose who is NOT in the Hall of Fame?
Ray: D'you know that my next door neighbor has three rabbits?
Jerry Maguire: I... I can't compete with that!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jerry Maguire: What do you want from me? My soul?
Dorothy: Why not? I deserve that much.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dicky Fox: Hey... I don't have all the answers. In life, to be honest, I have failed as much as I have succeeded. But I love my life. I love my wife. And I wish you my kind of success.

i-n-s-p-i-r-e

Watched Flags of our Fathers this weekend... Not bad! Not superlative either..
I know me a little better now.. so i know i don't need the bloody reality of it.. am quite happy with the romanticized version. Not to say this one wasn't romanticized- but i could do with more! Which explains why i particularly liked the ending speech, i guess - "... they might have fought for their countries, but they died for their friends.."

..To quote Dorothy from Jerry Maguire - "I just want to be inspired".

The word is disquiet..

Still with the feeling.. but now i have a word for it..
disquiet: lack of calm, peace or ease; anxiety; uneasiness

Funny the feeling should persist inspite of meeting Mr. S etc.
You'd think that should have considerably un-disquieted me.. or is it quieted me?
Well, it hasn't..

BOOOREDD!!

I am really bored!
Which is funny because i actually feel like something is about to happen..
and i am waiting for it to strike.. but in the meantime - BORED out of my skull..

Nucking futs!!

I am really terrified of driving.

I might have managed if it was a straight road and i didn't have to start the car and there were no people or cows involved.. so basically not getting very far..
Today the driving instructor told me, "6 classes ma, you still can't start means.." :(

But FYI - its not that easy!
and everybody who's been driving since they were 6 can just go screw themselves because when at 60 (ok fine - 28) you start learning and suddenly discover that ALL the people in this city are always walking ON the road 8 abreast .with their cow -- Its really very very scary!!

You may be right - i may be crazy

Left work at 430 pm today and in the wake of "potential tension in the city", went to fab india and blew 3k and something ..... on BED COVERSS!!
Just bad behaviour i tell you.
Hmmm...When i grow up i will save!

Blood Cauvery

In blood diamond people killed for diamonds..
In the TN vs Karnataka Cauvery battle - people kill for water.
I wonder if for people to kill - it would have to be one of the 2 extremes - basic or precious..
And i wonder if the same guy would kill for both or does it take 2 kinds?
And if it does take 2 kinds - i wonder what kind you are?
Would you kill for the basic or the precious? (and thanks, but i already know that basic and precious are relative).
Personally, i think i may be a 'basic' killer.
Do you think a "basic" killer is just a tad okay-er than a "precious" killer? (Objection! Leading!)

Its time to write again..

After 10 months and no action (on blog or otherwise) its time to start again.. on blog and on life.

Quick update - change of job, no change in life.. so much for 10 months of invisibility - still nothing to say.. but i have to admit - life is not so "deep sigh" anymore (refer to previous blog). Not sure why that is.. will think about it and tell you..

What else, acha gets married - May 10th '07. Really looking forward to this!!
Plan on buying a car.. soon - but since i don't know how to drive and i am not a fan of learning anything i hadn't picked up by the age of 4 so not looking forward to this.. i suspect there will be a few blogs on this ..

Not that much else i can think of for now.. see you soon hopefully (will certainly not be a 10 month wait)

Siggghhhhh....!!!

I have discovered the most accurate description to my life right now...
Its a 'deep sigh' life...
How is life? How is work? So what else is up? Love life?..
thats "Siggghhhhhh..!!" "Siggghhhhhh..!!" "Siggghhhhhh..!!" and "Siggghhhhhh..!!" ..
respectively.

Myself..

I was just telling myself the other day that what i really miss is having people around.. lots of them.
I used to have that.
Incidently "myself" and I talk a lot nowadays and myself has begun answering most questions i ask (this didn't happened that much before). Myself is also bit smug i feel. It is winning many arguments. I don't like to lose to anybody much less myself - if i lose even to myself, where does that leave me, right? (me=I)
I am quite tired of myself.

Haven;'t written anything for the longest time and yet i have NOTHING to write.

Have been feeling fairly stupid lately - almost like i was getting stupider each day... Haven't actively read in a long time and don't seem to retain much of what i do read.
Recently, saw some 2nd hand Class V - Class VII science and geogrpahy books. So i bought them.
Feeling much much better since i read "Ducks have webbed feeet" because THAT at least i knew..
I realise thats pathetic, but well life has been fairly pathetic lately!!
Actually thats not true..life is pretty good.. i can't seem to lose the restless/what is all this nonsense feeling though.
Must get over it!!

i want to be..

Also now i have to answer profound questions people insist on asking me like, "What do you really want to do?" (please refer to previous blog for details).. And all i can think is "Does it look like i know, dude? and would i be here if i knew?"
What are the chances that as a kid i said.. "i really want to do back-end marketing analytics for an offshore insurance business, appa".. Come on.. think a little, people!

I have decided that what i really want is to have a job which has a one-word job description (or at the very max two words).. like doctor, businesslady, army officer, adventure sportsperson, photographer, musician, artist..
and since i don't have the skill / talent / educational qualifications for any of these..it does look like i will be settling for a twenty-four word description type job.. and it also looks like it will not excite me THAT much!

i win

Don't have a job.. yet again.. well not exactly - but close enough..
"client team downsized, budget dropped.. so hmm lets look for a bigger role for you anna.. by July.. "

Been here before .. twice.. (thats also as many times as i have actually held a job by the by)
1st and 2nd job - we lost our biggest accounts..our bread and butter client.. though it never really felt like bread / butter was going to be a problem yet - wanted to actually do some work etc etc.. so left..

ayway, so i told friends about situation at work - and they said "anna strikes again!"..
can see where they are coming from.. must look like i am making a living out of this..
if i am making a living out of this though - let the record show - am a bloody good performer!!
3 jobs - 3 times "disguised unemployed"
Yaay! I think i win!

What to do?

Bush is definitely among the top 5 in my "least credibile person" list. He can say what he wants, straight face et al but i just cannot bring myself to believe a word.
Something on the news about how the Americans diffused an Al-Quaeda attempt to blow up the tallest building on the W. coast. Actually a perfectly believable claim - but because Bush said it i cannot believe it.
Either i am biased or i can see what the Americans can't - the emperor has no clothes!

going back to favourite phrase of 2006 - "hmmm...anyway.."
am back to restless phase and feeling like i should be doing bigger things.. inspirational things.. even if one person's life (this life cannot obviously be that of family / friends / any person who has stake in my life) is better because of me - my life might be worth it... otherwise i am beginning to think it really isn't!
WHAT TO DO?

The age of the Loser...

Of all the movies i can remember from before (Not sure what exact time period "before" is - but what i mean is until very recently for as long back as i can remember) the more popular movies / heroes were always the macho ones - where the hero beats the villain up. The Amol Palekar movie where the man could not get himself to talk to the girl was always the sidey movie - funny and all that, but still sidey.

I just realised that this has changed and changed pretty recently..
Exhibit A - Saif Khan - Screw-up type, not so macho person
Exhibit B - Bridget Jones Diary - Major loser but every girl i know really connected - Big Success
Exhibit C - Hugh Grant - Typical English loser type - Big Star
Exhibit D - American Pie (Did so well - they went and made a Part 2)
And so many more..

Its almost like an identity shift from "I don't want to be who i am - so show me a far-removed hero person i would like to be" to "I am okay with who I am. Its entertaining enough".
Here i am obviously stating my personal preferences and my concept of myself.
But that apart - you have to agree the market value of a "Loser" movie has certainly risen from before to now.

I find that interesting! I guess if i had the patience to research and a flair for writing - this would be a big cultural study finding!
Since i have neither i will end by saying - for the first time "I belong" - I am in fact in the Right Age!

Rang de Basanti (don't read it if you haven't watched it)

This i had to write before it left me...Watched Rang de Baasanti last night.. thats again by the way - twice in a 3 day span.. Lllloossser ..Anyhow..
I don't expect that much out of a movie nowadays - if it can make me laugh OR cry OR move me in some way - it has outdone itself. This one does all of this and in spades!
I was discussing this with friends last night- I know the message is about "not being complacent and doing something to improve the system" but what it really ends up saying is "do anything" and that i object to.
When you address a population as large and emotional as ours - you need to be careful what you say. Its fantastic that there is a message in the movie that is screaaamiing to be heard without any mask of "feel-good"/ subtlety to it but i think it is very extreme. I think that while a very smooth CYA has been executed by giving it the "appropriate" ending - it still nevertheless shows 5 young kids doing exactly what they felt like without remorse and we have made martyrs out of them and that i believe is wrong.
Has it been done before? Sure. Does that make this right? I don't think so.
It would be really really unfortunate if someone decided to take a gun and kill a few people they decided had wronged them because that would discourage film makers from making something so blatant & loud & 'out there'. It would be just as unfortunate if NOBODY did ANYTHING after they watched this movie and all the impact just died after a night of intense discussion.
But just to clarify, there is no debate in my mind about the quality of the movie.. I love how the movie is such an emotional roller-coaster and how it is not just about 1 hero, I love the dialogues (and i think that "ek pair ateeth main aur ek pair kal mein, tabhi to hum apni aaj pe mooth rahe hain" is just the most brilliant line), I love the songs (a r rehman is pure genius) and the poetry, i love how everybody has such a strong opinion about it and more than anything i love that i got goose-bumps watching it. That certainly has not happened in a while.
By the way, i now have a hello-tune from the movie for the first time - "roobaroo - roshni", call me and you can listen to it for as long as you want.. i promise not to take your call!

Last year.. and some from before ..

A time it was and what a time it was. It was.
A time of innocence, a time of confidences..
Long ago, it must be.. I have a photograph
Preserve your memories.. They're all that's left of you..

---- Simon & Garfunkel

Didn't have a picture of Deepu on my computer..
Hmm.. Anyway..

Much love,
me

Happy New Year!!

T'is the 2nd of Jan, 2006!! Happy New Year!!

I had decided yesterday that because i was indulging in NO physical activity whatsoever, i should go for a run every morning. I even went for a longish walk yesterday with the cousin. Then this morning, i didn't. So i guess. that one is broken already!
But the day isn't over.. so there is time yet for me to break my promises. We'll see!!

So what's New on this New morning of the New year...
My discman is back (wasn't listening to music at work for a while - because i thought unhappy glances).. but i have decided - the discman stays!
Took the stairs this morning (that is another one, we'll have to watch out for)
Annddddd.. that's it!!
Hmmm.. i guess if i do 2 good things every year.. In another 50 years, i will actually be the person i want to be. I may be dead - but so what!

Also i have decided that my most used comments for this year will be "ANYWAYYY" &
"Hmmmm". So we are trying to move on from "Kayyy" of 2005.

ANYWAYY, Happy New Year!